Tag Archives: socialising

Well now … I never saw that coming

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Yesterday, I spent with the Pup – early AM until around 9pm, a long time for 2 people who haven’t done more than text every few days for the past 2.5 weeks.

We hung out, chatted, argued, drank and got messed up on various substances but mostly, we argued with each of us trying to get the other to see their position.

He eventually apologised for behaving like an asshat and things were OK. Around 7pm, we were walking back through the park (that SAME damn park) and he wanted to smoke what was left of our illicit substances before we separated for the night. We found a secluded spot when, all of a sudden, he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek and apologise again and it just kinda escalated. And then it escalated a bit more and then we ended up having sex. In the park. In the rain.

Ooopppps.

I 100%, completely, definitely and absolutely and entirely thought that sex was over between us, I mean the boy said he found the scar from my SH completely disgusting ffs. He was very clear on still wanting to hang but that sex was pretty much off the table.

Huh.

I am also pretty damn sure that it was a very stupid idea to sleep with him. My bad decision-making is not however either particularly new or interesting, what does interest me is that this renewed interest seemed to coincide with the fact that instead of getting upset or quiet when he was arguing/being an ass, I verbally spanked him a few times.

What also interests me is what will happen next.

He has texted and called a few times and wants to catch up in an hour or so …. I am not keen to just get involved in a sex-only thing but there is also no way that this can go any further than it is/has ….

I said to a wise and insightful friend this morning that I am unsure what any of this does/n’t mean and she responded that it means that human connection is very appealing. I am unsure whether she was referring to the Pup or me but have the feeling that she is correct either way.


Saturday (illustrated version)

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Barefoot in Kings Cross.

 

Today was a flat-out day trying to navigate the labyrinth that is Sydney Metro Transport.

It didn’t help that a few of the rail lines were down and had to be supported by buses (every friggin’ week they are working on a line) which made everything take that much longer. Extremely frustrating and this only escalated when I was walking along Kings Cross and tripped and broke my shoe – I was convinced I wouldn’t get out of there without contracting some strand of hepatitis from standing on something sharp.

I was down that way looking at a studio which allows pets. I am trying to find something that:

A: I can afford

B: Allows dogs

[CUE CANNED LAUGHTER].

The trip home was barefoot until I could find a shop that had both my size (I have long feet) and style and I am actually pretty happy with my new shoes so, that was a boon.

The disgusting old junkie who inherited a house only to lose every possession in it and let it fall into ruin around him.

It took the entire day to navigate the rail/bus/rail/bus/rail/bus fiasco and when I got home my new short-term roomie suggested that we go and get some drugs to alleviate the heat (it was bloody hot here today huh?) and the pending boredom and I didn’t take much convincing. I went with the temp roomie (A) to collect our goodies and got a first-hand look at what someone who has done drugs for 50 years looks and lives like when we arrived. I was completely freaked out by this guy and the worse part? He wasn’t the dealer, his niece was so, he was begging me for a bit of what A and I bought …. And he talked non-stop about how great is life was before he discovered drugs; how successful he used to be when he was young … it was entirely depressing and my opinion of how it would have been awesome to meet William Burroughs before he died was irrevocably altered.

The Park

Back home, I decided to go and see the neighbours who have been looking after my dog to try and beg their forgiveness that my hospital stay exceeded the promised 3 days. So, I went back to where I used to live.

And then things got a bit messy and weird.

When I got there, I was wired and feeling anxious about facing these poor people who have been so lovely to me and my dog. I was really stressed in hospital about them having to continue to take care of her and so I decided to smoke at the park for half an hour before facing them.

Then I sent the Pup a text — yes, I know, I know — I actually wanted to talk to him quickly about something non-personal for 10 minutes and tried to explain that I just wanted to see him quickly if he was free but it wasn’t urgent. We texted a few times and he kept asking what it was about and I said I didn’t want to get into it on the phone and then he just. stopped responding even though he had just said he would be back nearby in 20 minutes.

When he stopped texting, I decided to just call him and he didn’t answer. This triggered me completely of course. Knowing him, he was completely paranoid about the possibilities of what I wanted to talk about, put 2 and 2 together and came up with 22,349 and freaked out but I was upset that he just ignored me, he has never done that before and we had been still friendly texting for the past 2 weeks every 4-5 days. So he is officially an asshat.

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I finally left the park and walked up to see my ex-neighbours, well, I knocked on the door, and they weren’t home. This wouldn’t normally be a crisis but my dog was locked inside and she had realised it was me knocking …. I felt like such a terrible person. Triggered a little bit more and feeling like a really crappy person who has abandoned the most loyal friend she has in the world and who is so unlovable that the (kinda) ex who was so very into her not one month ago cannot even be bothered to answer a call from her anymore he is so NOT into her now because she is disgusting and pathetic and just plain sad really.

I eventually ended up being in the park for around 4 hours all up. On a Saturday night. High as a kite, triggered and no idea where to go as my temporary roomie was out of it and a little scary for being so.

Luckily my lovely B took a call from me and talked it all through with me, or rather allowed me to rant at him while he listened patiently and reassured me that the pup is bat-shit crazy and not acting like a decent person and it wasn’t me being the human/ex repellent that I felt like I was/am. I’m pretty sure I was repeating myself over and over and I know for a fact that I was already repeating stuff B had heard before. I kinda love B.

Sam

Eventually, I got off the phone, deleted the Pup’s number and grabbed a train back to the connecting bus to A’s place (I don’t really want to call it a flat/unit/apartment as it is the most filthy thing I have ever seen). I was too late for a connecting bus and grabbed a cab instead. The cab driver asked how my day had been and I told him it had been a bit weird. He asked me why and I gave him a very brief outline and he acted really interested and asked questions and we got talking.

When we pulled up to A’s place, he asked if I was up for taking a drive and I said “sure”.

We drove around for about 2 hours, he asked me about what type of men I like, what I like about relationships, if I believed in love etc .. not the most original questions ever thrown at me or any other woman on the planet ….. it was odd but, he was nice enough overall and, to be honest, I was high enough and pissed off enough by the Pup to want to see exactly where this next young ‘un (a bit older than the Pup but not by much) was going to take things, or try to.

He actually drove to all of these dark little alcoves and parks, the kind of locations that are earmarked as ideal locations for making slasher films … but, he was perfectly polite the whole time. I asked if we could stop so I could smoke and he drove for a few minutes before pulling over and I was dumbstruck to see that he had driven to the park I had spent the 4 hours in …. Full fucking circle. I swear that park will haunt my Sydney life – it was where I originally met the Pup if you recall and it is now where the Pup refused a call from me for the first time. I am considering setting fire to it but, some basic Googling internet research has revealed that apparently, it is “illegal” to set fire to public parks, or, pretty much anything. Who knew?

Anyway … I eventually told the cab driver – Sam —  that I am working in the morning and I need to get home (I’m not). Along the way, he is trying, just a little, to see if I was open for something to go down between us. He was trying to be a bit sexy and definitely not pulling it off, he was so cheesy that it was almost laughable and I am sure he would have found it so as well if he was privy to the shit-storm that has been brewing in my life this year when it comes to men.

I got out of the cab, we exchanged “lovely to meet you” (s) and that, was that.

The home invasion

Around 4am, there was a bang on the door here. My temp roomie was in bed and I was attempting to sleep because I had not had any sleep for 47 hours at that point. Temp roomie (A) got up and answered and this HUGE young pup (not mine) barreled in and started demanding cigarettes and being generally obstreperous – he was actually really scary, very drunk and obviously pissed at A about something.

The young guy was around 6’4 to A’s 5’10 and they are both built like bouncers – given that this is the tiniest flat in the western hemisphere and every square inch is covered with dirty plates, ashtrays, bric-a-brac and furniture and I was lying on a sofa bed that takes up 60% of the room when open, this little confrontation was enclosed, loud and pretty damn scary.

The bouncer/pup had a serious bone to pick and was screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs. He had with him a tiny little blonde of around 19 who was wearing, well, nothing really and he kept turning around and slapping her on the arse and asking Artie if he ever “gets quality ass like that”. She, for her part, stole cigarettes off the table and tried to yell over the top of the bouncer pup that “let’s gooooooo” … “I wanna goooo” and smiling whenever the bouncer pup referred to her arse.

It was like a cross between The Godfather and Jersey Shore.

This all dragged out for a good 20 minutes, which is a damn long time when you are lying in a sofa bed holding your breath, waiting for an explosion and trying not to make any sudden movements to trigger said explosion.

It ended with the bouncer pup putting an axe to A’s throat and threatening to come back if A’s ‘crime’ against him was ever repeated. Obviously this is the short version but the point is that however terrifying, no blood was spilled (although both A and I possibly peed a little).

It was just an odd day.

And after paying A’s rent for a week and supplying cigarettes and stuff, I have dipped into what little money I have and really need to stay here for the week rather than fork out for other short-term accommodation.

But I seriously need outta here.


It’s a relational disorder, after all.

 

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Things have been pretty fucked up in my personal life since forever these past few weeks. Seriously fucked up. 

I have written about the stuff with the pup and the awful guy from work but today I did the unimaginable; I contacted the ex. Yes, the same ex who sent me to the Er and lockdown in a psych ward. The same ex who cheated and lied and abandoned and discarded like his entire life depended upon it. I should add that I was about 2/3 the way through a bottle of scotch at the time (but you knew that right?).

I was determined to past the pup tonight, I was feeling shitty about him not trying to contact me (yes, I am completely aware that I told him to never contact me again but that is besides the point .. it still felt like abandonment).

The ex and I traded messages on Viber for a while — I don’t really ‘get’ viber –is it a poor man’s skype? I use it because my darling friend B doesn’t have skype because he is weird and has a windows phone but other than that .. I just don’t get it. But I digress.

The ex and I vibered (is that a thing?) and he was polite and stand-offish and I was about to call a halt to the entire proceedings and then he began messaging in earnest and we began reminiscing about the nazi Norwegian/French douchebag that we used to share a house with and it kinda escalated and he called.

And we talked for about an hour.

To be honest, I think it triggered him far more than me … he softened over the course of the hour and told me that he has been to get evaluated by some psychs and is working on getting off his benzos because they had shut him down emotionally. He insists that he was shut down while he was in the house we shared and that he is trying to face up to the shit he does, such as lying.

The weird thing is that he said he never thought he would get to talk to me again because of ‘what he did’. No, the weird thing is that he asked me to spend a weekend with him hanging out. No, the really weird thing is that early on in our chat he asked me if I was mad at him for calling the ambulance when I was passed out and bleeding to death.

Actually, it was all just weird.

What is most disconcerting is that this all feels more desirable than free-falling into a void where I am left only with my own thoughts and nowhere to anchor all of the emotions that I am racing through.


It’s not you, it’s most DEFINITELY me

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I am still entirely pissed off at being accused of being in love with my pup-from-down-the-road.

I don’t quite get why/how he gets to spend the best part of 2 months being completely overboard with his gushings and then somehow turn it around to think that indicates that I have feelings for him. Honestly. Men.

Thing is, I do attach to people. I have an attachment disorder, that’s kinda how that works. And yes, I do get used to having people/men be in my life in some capacity and I then get anxious that they will disappear. But it is completely contextual in that just because I am attached, that does not mean I am in love.

Now, I may have a PD that makes intimate relationships all kinds of fucked up and I may attach quite thoroughly due to this, and that may make it seem like I am giving you and only you 100% of my attention but, gentleman, please believe me when I say that a girl with BPD can be completely attached to your penis and your cuddles and your sugar without really wanting anything to do with the rest of you. And the thought of getting you anywhere other than into my bed is about as far from my thoughts as you can get. I am pretty sure I am not alone here. ***SPOILER ALERT*** Not all women are that into you. And not all women want to end up married to you. ***END SPOILER ALERT***

None of this was actually the point of this post .. I am just still feeling annoyed and abandoned and more annoyed because I don’t really care that the pup has abandoned me, I just, you know, care that he has abandoned ME.

The point of the post was a guy from work who came over on Friday night to cook dinner/bring me a bottle of vodka, which I finished off pretty damn quickly. He drank some wine — too much to drive and so, I told him to bunk with me (I HAVE to stop doing that!!!).

In the morning, he seemed to think we are now **special** friends and I am kinda freaked out by this as I really have no attraction to him whatsoever. He was lying in my bed telling me how he has long desired my breasts from afar at work and this was just fucking creepy. He has been texting about how wonderful our night was and has said that wants me to be able to rely on him in times of crisis; that he wants to help with the shit going on in my life, not add to it. How fucking patronising is that?

I actually think I prefer being stranded in Kings Cross by a pretty pup who was too wasted to remember that he had brought me along — at least I didn’t feel like I needed a shower afterwards and it had a touch of honesty to it.

My first instinct with all of this shite going on is to pack my suitcase and leave the state — but I have spent the last day or so trying to figure out how and why I keep ending up in strange situations with even stranger men. And this is certainly not the first phase in my life where this has happened.

Is it a borderline thing?


It’s happening again …

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Things got all explodey with the pup last night. 

Yes I am completely aware that there were red flags.

Yes, I completely get that I should have cut him off totally and had nothing more to do with him or his premature exclamations of adoration.

No, I didn’t do that.

Yes, I am a fucking idiot.

Last night ended with me wandering around at 2am in King’s Cross having no idea where I was, no idea how to get home, no money whatsoever and blind drunk.

The pup turned up completely drunk and somewhat delusional early in the evening. He was extremely paranoid and kept accusing, or rather half-accusing me of these weird things — like being in touch with some woman who calls him because she only ever called after he had been hanging out with me … when I assured him that I was doing no such thing, he accused me of reverse psychology … because, yeah, that’s what that means dude.

I did ask him to leave at one point but he was apologetic and asked me to please sit and talk/hang out with him and (very fucking stupidly) let myself be talked into this.

He was incredibly vile all evening, I can’t put it any other way … he accused me of things, told me I had no idea who he was or what he had been through and then suggested that I was in love with him, which was not a good idea. Now, I have not said or done anything to indicate any such thing — but all the accusations were groundless and there was no reasoning with him. And, yes, I was entirely stupid to even try. But I was drunk, and I was getting hurt and offended and he was triggering the fuck out of me which wasn’t hard as I had been triggered all weekend. But really? He is all over me for 2 months proclaiming how into me he is and somehow this means that I am in love with him?

The next part however, I cannot blame anybody but myself for and I am shaking my head at myself even as I write it: At some point, the pup decided that he wanted to go into the city and get some drugs .. he asked me to go along for the ride and I agreed. halfway there, I realised that I had left my wallet behind but as he was paying for cabs both way, I wasn’t too concerned.

During the taxi ride, he got verbally abusive and almost physically violent with the cab driver over .. well .. nothing really, he was just out of control. When we arrived at wherever-the-hell we were, I was completely freaked out due to the taxi incident and I walked off .. he ran after me, and pointed out that I had nowhere to go and no money to go there with and promised he would behave. So, I went with him to the pub where the deal was taking place and he bought me a drink and went to meet the girl he was meeting.

Being very drunk already, I jumped in on a table where 3 guys were drinking and as they were Canadians, we played with an iPad somebody had showing each other where we all from .. and then I realised that the pup had been gone for some time …

I asked the Canadian guys where the hell I was and how the hell I could get home and one of them was good enough to get me down to the train station to get a train for the 1st leg of the journey. At some point, between trains, I must have looked so lost as a young guy came over and helped me to figure out what my next train/s were and I managed to get home … without buying a ticket at any stage — thank you Sydney rail for leaving the ticket gates wide open after 11pm!

At some point on one of the train trips, the pup and I spoke one the phone and he told me he was already home — I don’t recall much else of the conversation but one of us hung up on the other one … twas all very dramatic. Then, I get a text from my roomie saying that the pup had turned up at the house and stomped about like he owned the place demanding to know where I was and that the roomie had been forced to tell him to fuck off. Wonderful.

I got home, went to bed and woke up to a missed call and a text from the pup asking if I was OK. I responded that I was a very fucking long way from OK and to please never contact me again.

He wrote back that he was sorry about last night and that he was so wasted and didn’t mean anything he said (no mention of leaving me in King’s Cross). Then he called a few times. I didn’t respond to the text and didn’t answer the calls.

Yes, it is my fault that I get involved with psychotic men.

Yes, I should most certainly have known better, I mean, I did know better, I KNEW this boy was about to snap, crackle and pop but … I just had to have one last dip into the cookie jar.

ginat-twin-peaks


Bored and lonely …

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I am a bit of a hermit, well, a lot of a hermit. I don’t mind company at work or if I have someone I am interested in but most people just aren’t all that interesting to me and I usually have to resist the urge to stab them repeatedly in the face when they tell yet another tedious story …

I spend a lot of time watching film and TV, in fact, I chose to teach film/TV for years to justify my habit of watching so much film/TV. I mean, I can and quite often do watch an entire series of something in a day or 2 and then move to the next one. I am also prone to peppering everything I say with film/TV references and I feel very isolated when nobody gets the reference .. I don’t know how to talk to people who aren’t pop culture junkies.

I have ALWAYS been this way but recently, as in the last week or so .. I can’t self-soothe with media .. I am also bored and want to be out doing something. It’s kinda terrifying.

You know when you are percolating, waiting for that thing that always happens? You know, that thing that either makes everything wonderful or, lands you in protective custody?

It’s like walking a knife’s edge, and we all know it can go either way .. do you wake up safe and warm in your own bed or do you wake up in a different state, wondering wtf you did?

Tonight, it is like a dam waiting to burst.


Dear roomie …

stfu