Tag Archives: love and BPD

Any words of wisdom?

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Things are still very hectic…

what with the house-hunting, zero internet connection to do said house-hunting, avoiding A’s place even though it has all of my stuff there and being out and about all day every day dealing with paperwork and more paperwork. I am exhausted.

I woke up yesterday to a text from the Pup saying that this was his last text (no credit) and did I want to hang? I answered that I was busy until lunchtime but would be in touch … a couple of hours later, he walked to a payphone and did one of those sms thingies to ask me to call.

So I did.

And he said he wanted me to call back in a couple of hours so we could catch up.

Oooo-kayy.

So I did.

And he then apologised, told me that he was actually tired from not sleeping and had to work the next day and so, could we catch up in the next day or so instead?

Umm. He texted and called me and he asked to hang and I was left feeling like I had chased him … it’s games again and I am tired of those.

People around me do not want me near this guy. He is playing games (although I am not sure if this is intentional or not) and he has done a couple of shitty things so, I don’t know what I am doing with all of this.

My BPD is triggered in sexual/intimate RS’s … I get caught up/attached/confused and I lose the ability to think or see straight – the Pup has already pulled that trigger in me and I am not in a hurry to go back to that space. I am actually doing OK at the moment, in fact, if I had money, I would be doing great.

I started writing this post because I wanted to write out exactly what I am hoping for, thinking, wanting or expecting from seeing the Pup again. Friends have said that I have gotten ‘back together’ with the Pup but, he and I were never ‘together’ in the real sense … I don’t know what we are .. and that is the problem I think; my BPD cannot tolerate the uncertainty of RS’s and this thing between him and I has zero future. That is not a healthy combo for me but I still enjoy him and hanging out with him. I am still attracted to him.

I don’t want to let go but I don’t know how to clarify things with him without triggering him as well.

Anybody out there with words of wisdom?

 

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Well now … I never saw that coming

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Yesterday, I spent with the Pup – early AM until around 9pm, a long time for 2 people who haven’t done more than text every few days for the past 2.5 weeks.

We hung out, chatted, argued, drank and got messed up on various substances but mostly, we argued with each of us trying to get the other to see their position.

He eventually apologised for behaving like an asshat and things were OK. Around 7pm, we were walking back through the park (that SAME damn park) and he wanted to smoke what was left of our illicit substances before we separated for the night. We found a secluded spot when, all of a sudden, he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek and apologise again and it just kinda escalated. And then it escalated a bit more and then we ended up having sex. In the park. In the rain.

Ooopppps.

I 100%, completely, definitely and absolutely and entirely thought that sex was over between us, I mean the boy said he found the scar from my SH completely disgusting ffs. He was very clear on still wanting to hang but that sex was pretty much off the table.

Huh.

I am also pretty damn sure that it was a very stupid idea to sleep with him. My bad decision-making is not however either particularly new or interesting, what does interest me is that this renewed interest seemed to coincide with the fact that instead of getting upset or quiet when he was arguing/being an ass, I verbally spanked him a few times.

What also interests me is what will happen next.

He has texted and called a few times and wants to catch up in an hour or so …. I am not keen to just get involved in a sex-only thing but there is also no way that this can go any further than it is/has ….

I said to a wise and insightful friend this morning that I am unsure what any of this does/n’t mean and she responded that it means that human connection is very appealing. I am unsure whether she was referring to the Pup or me but have the feeling that she is correct either way.


No more delusions please …

I am still really stuck on the horrible email exchange from the other night between the ex and myself. 

I am not sure if being told that the year we spent sharing each other was, really, nothing more than a fuck in a toilet or, if being called delusional for trying to find some peace and sincerity from that year despite what happened (what he did) is what is affecting me the most.

I think it’s the delusional part.

I don’t think anybody has ever said anything so intentionally cruel to me …


A caveat

 

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 I was chatting to my friend B this morning ..

or rather, he was trying to absorb my somewhat manic state and we got onto the subject of attachment because, that is what has triggered the manic state; my attachment/s. And so, I thought I would post some of what we talked about here in an attempt to explain why even though many people seem to have abandonment ‘issues’ .. it’s different for  those of us with BPD.

Now .. a caveat before I begin to write in earnest: I am heading out very shortly to buy a large amount of vodka. I am then going to drink the entire bottle of said vodka and resist the urges to phone/text/viber/email/visit any and all exes and writing this post is one way I am going to do that — however, this process will possibly probably definitely be affected by both the consumption of my lovely bottle of liquid fuck-you-I-don’t-care and my increasing desire to act on my all-too-triggered desire to call someone begging and pleading for them to come and hug me right that second. I pretty much envision a slow disintegration of spelling and syntax until it reaches the point where I am just writing words and hoping they eventually form a sentence of some sort. It is what it is.

We interrupt this program because the boy down the road has turned up.

He is drunk and belligerent and I have the feeling it’s gonna get fucked up.

PS: yes, I am drunk.


Rivers are red …

It has been about 8 months since my ex decided he didn’t want me.

It has been about 6 months since I last saw him.

It has been about 0,4 seconds since the thought of this utterly destroyed me.

I have never suffered from suicidal ideation; I either did or I didn’t feel suicidal, I am unused to struggling with it on a daily or weekly basis.

It’s hard to write about because it feel like crying wolf. I have read repeated posts in forums that claim it is emotional manipulation and that is the very last thing I want to do … but I am really struggling to find a way through today. I haven’t just lost my love, I have lost everything, my books, my clothes, my pictures of my children, my past .. all gone. I have nothing. And I am not growing and learning from this, I am stuck and grasping/gasping. I have lost everything and it is all my own fault. How does one reconcile that? Truth is, one doesn’t.

I have only tried to kill myself 3 or 4 times in the past, and each of those times had an inevitability that I am unconvinced is here today — perhaps that says something — perhaps I am only at the wishing stage and won’t move past it?

But I feel like I am drowning right now and I am unsure how to stem the tide — something has to give, and all I have to offer is me.


Masturbation/Execution

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Rough night.

A long shift at work and too much to drink.

Too many responsibilities and too many memories, all colliding.

My head is like a kaleidoscope – the same thoughts, but shake them, and they appear to be different …

I am torn between slicing my skin open and dissolving into erotic memories that aren’t true – are they the same thing? Each one holds a truth and a deception entwined.

I fear that I am never going to get past this. I have fetishised the monster who showed his face, and I love him for letting me see.

I am beyond saving, beyond redemption, beyond any pedestrian truths to be found in a so-called therapy.

Maybe I truly am ….

 


Love and BPD

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