It’s been a triggering few days.
I am feeling excessively isolated and alone and coupled with that, really vulnerable — it’s not a good mix.
My pup has been really triggering, well, not him per se, but the situation and my emotive responses to that. His whispering of sweet nothings for hours on end have become a rather delightful sugar but, at the same time I know that the situation simply cannot go on.
But … I am drawn to his gushing/s about me, his inclination to want to tell me how much I affect him and how much he likes me. He is a pretty boy, no doubt about that but, he is not only far too young, he is also far too unsuitable for a variety of reasons and yet … I crave the sugar and feel rejected that he has vanished for almost a week.
healthy people would no doubt be able to separate these issues and maybe even see them for what they are and ‘learn something’ (I’m uncertain I have learned anything beyond my ABC’s and even they get a tad blurry at times) …
I guess, my point is that I am still in no condition to be feeling any sort of emotion toward another person in any capacity I am completely ill-equipped to deal with uncertainty; it actually feels like cruel and unusual punishment … I am getting physically sick having uncertainty re-enter my life.
I would rather cut and run that ‘wonder’ or try to manage these conflicting feelings.