Things are still very hectic…
what with the house-hunting, zero internet connection to do said house-hunting, avoiding A’s place even though it has all of my stuff there and being out and about all day every day dealing with paperwork and more paperwork. I am exhausted.
I woke up yesterday to a text from the Pup saying that this was his last text (no credit) and did I want to hang? I answered that I was busy until lunchtime but would be in touch … a couple of hours later, he walked to a payphone and did one of those sms thingies to ask me to call.
So I did.
And he said he wanted me to call back in a couple of hours so we could catch up.
So I did.
And he then apologised, told me that he was actually tired from not sleeping and had to work the next day and so, could we catch up in the next day or so instead?
Umm. He texted and called me and he asked to hang and I was left feeling like I had chased him … it’s games again and I am tired of those.
People around me do not want me near this guy. He is playing games (although I am not sure if this is intentional or not) and he has done a couple of shitty things so, I don’t know what I am doing with all of this.
My BPD is triggered in sexual/intimate RS’s … I get caught up/attached/confused and I lose the ability to think or see straight – the Pup has already pulled that trigger in me and I am not in a hurry to go back to that space. I am actually doing OK at the moment, in fact, if I had money, I would be doing great.
I started writing this post because I wanted to write out exactly what I am hoping for, thinking, wanting or expecting from seeing the Pup again. Friends have said that I have gotten ‘back together’ with the Pup but, he and I were never ‘together’ in the real sense … I don’t know what we are .. and that is the problem I think; my BPD cannot tolerate the uncertainty of RS’s and this thing between him and I has zero future. That is not a healthy combo for me but I still enjoy him and hanging out with him. I am still attracted to him.
I don’t want to let go but I don’t know how to clarify things with him without triggering him as well.
Anybody out there with words of wisdom?