All things truly wicked start from innocence

Ernest Hemingway

Today is the anniversary of the first time I met my ex in the flesh. We had spent months and months desiring and craving each other .. wanting to be together … thinking it would never happen. But, it did. And today marks that date for the first time … and I have been in crash position all week knowing that it was coming.

I have cried and raged inside, I have tried to understand and forgive and I have considered revenge. It has been a week of reckoning really. Every pwBPD knows what I am talking about when I use the word betrayal. It gets referred to as abuse, but we don’t know what abuse is when we are that young, we simply feel the betrayal; the sense that someone else saw who we were and decided that the only response they could muster was to trample on it, use it, throw it away.

Aren’t we all just children who were thrown in the trash? We keep trying to find our way out but we don’t know how. Every time this is repeated, we are reassured that this is where belong; that our feelings don’t matter, our desires are futile, that the world doesn’t hear us or care … every person who throws us away is just reinforcing what we already knew .. but it never stops hurting as much as the first time .. it never, ever stops hurting.

Happy Anniversary lover .. and fuck you.


3 responses to “D-day

  • outofthedorkness

    Anniversary of 6 days post (first) breakup for me. The day she texted me saying “I want to say goodbye in person”. Mixed up the texts, she invited my replacement over at the same time. Arrived at her house, his truck was there.

    • theshanshuprophecy

      My ex went on a first date with a woman he had been emailing on the same day he dumped me.

      I’m so sorry you have to go through this to…

      • pepeshrimp

        All too familiar. I feel your pain.
        Never before have I understood and been so confused at the same time. How can she not see it herself? A clear pattern that just doesn’t make sense. At all.
        I’m sorry. Hope you’ll do better soon.

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