I had a complete meltdown yesterday.
It had been building for a few days and when it came it was like being hit by a semi-trailer of emotional soup.
I am having housemate issues right now, the little nazi troll was confrontational on the night of Good Friday and after mustering up the courage to walk away (I CANNOT tolerate confrontation in any form, my fight/flight response goes into overdrive and I literally cannot breathe, let alone think), he has been ignoring me ever since. And I mean, literally ignoring me.
Like the little creep that he is, he sits on our front porch smoking and drinking scotch whenever he is home and given the 4 day Easter holiday couple with the holiday the following friday here in Australia, he has been home a lot.
When I come in from work, he is perched there, at the front of the house and I have to walk by him to get inside. He has been averting his eyes and simply pretending I don’t exist. The air is so thick you could serve it as an entrée … dreadful.
On top of that, I had to go to work on a weekday for the first time in ages and I have managed to piss off middle management there and had to sit for hours feeling one in particular actively pretending I was invisible.
I KNOW that the common denominator here is me, I really do but, I am not imagining these things, I have these people (men) in my life who are playing passive-aggressive mind games with me and it is getting to me.
I desperately want my own apartment, but, as I wrote, not only is Sydney crazy expensive, I am not sure that I have the right ID to even apply for a place and I don’t have one stitch of furniture to move in with – nothing. I am not even sure I can afford the apartment and I am terrified that if I take it I will end up not being able to pay my rent, or my bills. My decision-making these past few years has been so poor and I do not trust myself.
I started thinking about how I could bring my things over from Western Australia but, it has been so long since I paid my storage bill that I am afraid to get in touch with them because I am afraid they will have sold my stuff and I just don’t think I could deal with hearing that. If I don’t contact, then there is the chance that they haven’t sold it right? Yes, I am aware of the fly in that logic ointment but it’s the best I can do.
To top it off, I have been obsessing over my ex again. Well, not him per se … but it is has really hit me hard how he could just abandon me in a brand new city without anything or anyone … just walk away without a look back . So cold and heartless … the irony of my biggest abandonment ever coming from someone I NEVER thought would do it makes me hate myself for trusting him in the first place and that self-hatred came exploding out yesterday.
It was all just too much.
I called my therapist at one point because I literally thought I was going to dissolve into a puddle of nothing at one point and I had to get my shit together and get out the door to work.
Somehow she talked me down a bit and I managed to get showered and dressed.
I had been drinking out of necessity to stem the tide and needed to sober up for work as well. I was crying and shaking and babbling. It was really horrible.
The scariest thing was knowing that once I got to work I would snap into that capable person … and I just didn’t want to be her, it was too exhausting to even contemplate. The journey to work was surreal … the feeling that Sydney is simply not real was exacerbated by the alcohol and my crazy mood. I fought the urge to just start screaming the entire way.
But, I did it, and she came, that woman who is able to deflect my illness by being wry and cynical. Sometimes it’s scary that there is that aspect of me; that no matter how much I am falling apart, this woman can step in and take over if she has to. There have been times … years … where she was around more often than I was … productive years. But she is a complete fake and can only be sustained for so long.
I have had a massive headache for days that I cannot seem to get rid of and the woman I was working with last night saw me taking pain killers and offered me a couple of Xanax to help me calm down. I took them when I got home and had a lovely couple of hours floating and watching a beloved old crime show on my computer before falling asleep.
This morning I woke an hour before my housemate was due to leave to work so, I just sat in here and listened for the front door to close before I got out of bed. The stress of him looming has started today off in a crappy way as well. I cannot stay here but, I am trapped due to lack of funds.
I have the feeling it is a merry-go-round I am going to be stuck on for a while.