Monthly Archives: April 2014

Is this it?

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I am really tired of being depressed, worn out, heartbroken. 

Tired of thinking constantly about the ex and his betrayal.

REALLY tired of not wanting to be living my life or being me in any way.

I am bored of it all.

I can’t even make new friends here because my thoughts are on repeat – the same crap over and over again without relief … what would I talk about with anybody?

I feel like I should be calling the MH unit where I started DBT but, if I am honest with them about how I am feeling, they will send out someone to section me because … well, that is what MH professionals do …

Is life really about the quantity, about living as long as you can, no matter what, rather than the quality? I don’t recall getting that memo …

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Off the rails

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I had a complete meltdown yesterday.

It had been building for a few days and when it came it was like being hit by a semi-trailer of emotional soup.

I am having housemate issues right now, the little nazi troll was confrontational on the night of Good Friday and after mustering up the courage to walk away (I CANNOT tolerate confrontation in any form, my fight/flight response goes into overdrive and I literally cannot breathe, let alone think), he has been ignoring me ever since. And I mean, literally ignoring me.

Like the little creep that he is, he sits on our front porch smoking and drinking scotch whenever he is home and given the 4 day Easter holiday couple with the holiday the following friday here in Australia, he has been home a lot.

When I come in from work, he is perched there, at the front of the house and I have to walk by him to get inside. He has been averting his eyes and simply pretending I don’t exist. The air is so thick you could serve it as an entrée … dreadful.

On top of that, I had to go to work on a weekday for the first time in ages and I have  managed to piss off middle management there and had to sit for hours feeling one in particular actively pretending I was invisible.

I KNOW that the common denominator here is me, I really do but, I am not imagining these things, I have these people (men) in my life who are playing passive-aggressive mind games with me and it is getting to me.

I desperately want my own apartment, but, as I wrote, not only is Sydney crazy expensive, I am not sure that I have the right ID to even apply for a place and I don’t have one stitch of furniture to move in with – nothing. I am not even sure I can afford the apartment and I am terrified that if I take it I will end up not being able to pay my rent, or my bills. My decision-making these past few years has been so poor and I do not trust myself.

I started thinking about how I could bring my things over from Western Australia but, it has been so long since I paid my storage bill that I am afraid to get in touch with them because I am afraid they will have sold my stuff and I just don’t think I could deal with hearing that. If I don’t contact, then there is the chance that they haven’t sold it right? Yes, I am aware of the fly in that logic ointment but it’s the best I can do.

To top it off, I have been obsessing over my ex again. Well, not him per se … but it is has really hit me hard how he could just abandon me in a brand new city without anything or anyone … just walk away without a look back . So cold and heartless … the irony of my biggest abandonment ever coming from someone I NEVER thought would do it makes me hate myself for trusting him in the first place and that self-hatred came exploding out yesterday.

It was all just too much.

I called my therapist at one point because I literally thought I was going to dissolve into a puddle of nothing at one point and I had to get my shit together and get out the door to work.

Somehow she talked me down a bit and I managed to get showered and dressed.

I had been drinking out of necessity to stem the tide and needed to sober up for work as well. I was crying and shaking and babbling. It was really horrible.

The scariest thing was knowing that once I got to work I would snap into that capable person … and I just didn’t want to be her, it was too exhausting to even contemplate. The journey to work was surreal … the feeling that Sydney is simply not real was exacerbated by the alcohol and my crazy mood. I fought the urge to just start screaming the entire way.

But, I did it, and she came, that woman who is able to deflect my illness by being wry and cynical. Sometimes it’s scary that there is that aspect of me; that no matter how much I am falling apart, this woman can step in and take over if she has to. There have been times … years … where she was around more often than I was … productive years. But she is a complete fake and can only be sustained for so long.

I have had a massive headache for days that I cannot seem to get rid of and the woman I was working with last night saw me taking pain killers and offered me a couple of Xanax to help me calm down. I took them when I got home and had a lovely couple of hours floating and watching a beloved old crime show on my computer before falling asleep.

This morning I woke an hour before my housemate was due to leave to work so, I just sat in here and listened for the front door to close before I got out of bed. The stress of him looming has started today off in a crappy way as well. I cannot stay here but, I am trapped due to lack of funds.

I have the feeling it is a merry-go-round I am going to be stuck on for a while.

 


Does every pwBPD abandon/discard?

the wireThere are 2 things about me that prevented me from thinking I had a PD and, they are both being held up as reasons why I am not BPD by a friend of mine. 

that I don’t rage. But, I actually do … it’s just  that I rage on the inside – against and to myself. I don’t blame others for betraying/abandoning me. I blame myself. Hence the pretty pattern of scars on my body.

The second is that I don’t ‘abandon’ or betray/cheat/leave/whatever my love relationships. Far from it.

I don’t love often, but when I do it is deep, significant, all-consuming. I am currently being told that the very fact that I love so deeply proves that  I am not BPD.

I am dubious about this assessment.

First of all, in every other type of relationship – family, friend, colleague .. I do devalue and discard. I have not spoken to my family for over 2 years and have no desire to do so. I have no long-term friends, and,  I collect ex’s like my life depended upon it.

But when I love … it is all-consuming. It becomes my raison d’etre .. my reason for being …. I fully expect my object’ d’art to leave me … it’s what everyone doesafter all … but while I am with that person, I am alive, I am stimulated, I am free and I am whole. They mean EVERYTHING to me and I would defend them until my dying breath.

Does this mean I am not disordered but merely just generally fucked up?

Does anybody else enter into romantic attachments with everything they have?

I cannot be the only one …. surely??

There seems t be a dominant mythology that a pwBPD will fuck you over as soon as look at you and this, well, at least with romantic attachments, isn’t me. I think I am a pretty stand-up gal, all things considered.

I love so much that it hurts before it has even ended because, I know that they will leave. They have to. It is the reason I am here, so people will leave.

I am the fullstop whereby everyone else measures their existence.


Loose rabbits

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I frequent a forum for people who are or have been involved in r/s’s with pwBPD. 

I am actually banned and not allowed to post because I “exhibit traits of having a PD which could be triggering to others” … OK, fair enough but, I still go there and read – mainly because I can relate to the devastation those who are recovering from r/s’s feel and also, in all honesty, to compare my behaviour with the ex’s that others discuss with each other.

At the moment, there is a thread about red flags exhibited by BPD ex’s that were ignored.

And I saw this little gem as an example of a red flag ….

She was put in a mental hospital for a couple of weeks for trashing her place and letting rabbits run loose in her apartment and got evicted

You gotta laugh right? In my world, that’s called Tuesday. 😛

 


Persona gratis

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I don’t know if it is an aspect of having BPD or moving schools 12+ times (and that is a bit of a chicken/egg conundrum right there) …

But I am always comfortable with strangers, even an entire room full of them. I lectured for a long time and it never fazed me to walk into a lecture hall with hundreds of strangers gawking at me. I even meet people on the train almost every day (something my ex swore was impossible in this huge metropolis).

I think it’s the performative aspect of my personality. In the short-term, I can be witty, charming, provocative etc and am very, very good at making people feel comfortable.

I have read that pwBPD are chameleon-like and perhaps this supports that observation … I do know that after I have romanced that stranger on the train or that new person at work, I forget they ever existed and wonder how they never saw through my bravado and facade.

Today I went to look at an apartment and I met a couple leaving as I was entering, I shared a joke with them and then continued on to view the apartment myself.

When I was walking home, I passed the couple again and we began to chat in earnest and I found that ‘witty, charming” self emerging in full force.

They are an aging hippy couple, but entirely sweet and we parted by exchanging phone numbers and promises to meet up and consume drugs (they were hard-core hippies).

Funny thing is, they called me an hour or so later and proposed that we pool our money and look into getting a share house together with my dog (who they fell in love with).

Does this kind of thing happen to everybody? I wonder if it is just me or if the world is just … batshit crazy for everyone.

When I was bringing my dog home from the airport, the taxi driver and I got talking and he is now my official Sydney drug-dealer … he gave me his card, a knowing nod and kiss on the cheek after he dropped me home. When I told my ex, he looked at me like I was insane and said that in all his years in the city, he has never met one person in this way.

I cannot help myself; I HAVE to talk to a person if it is just them and me in a train carriage or a cab …. and I often tell them ridiculously personal things (and they respond, not too many months ago, I shared a train ride with a woman who ended up confessing to me that she and her husband were no longer sexually active together. A woman I met at the local park a few weeks back told me that she was on her way to see a counsellor because she was ending a 10 year marriage to her high school sweetheart).

I always thought this was kinda normal.


Love and BPD

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YA (Young Adult)

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I just re-watched the film “Young Adult” and I am terrified that the character played by Charlize Theron is me; just, you know, better looking.

The film isn’t funny or, uplifting or even poignant. It;s just a rather raw tale of what it is like to live with BPD.

OUCH.