Monthly Archives: February 2014
I used to frequent a forum for people who were/are traumatised from relationships with partners who have BPD. It’s how I learned about BPD actually – I googled some of the things that my ex had done to me and slowly found my way there … it’s also how I first began questioning my own probability of having BPD: for while there were many behaviours described by others to fit what my ex had done, I recognised myself in more of the stories – reading these accounts was an event horizon for me – I had always known there was something “wrong” with me and I have always known that I had abandonment issues (that should probably be in capitals or italicised or something) but that forum brought my world down around me as I realised that what I have is pathological, ..
This post is about sex. More specifically, it is about sex with/for pwBPD (people/person with BPD). To go back to the forum in question (I am banned from there now due to my recent suicide attempt but I can still read posts, and I do).. there is often talk about how great the sex was with the ex pwBPD, it is often described as ‘pornstar’ sex .. the type of sex that has no limits or taboos, is all-consuming and … highly addictive. Many of the people on that forum have admitted more than once that it was the sex that drew them in and the sex that kept them from leaving for far too long. It’s almost an urban myth that sex with a ‘crazy’ is fantastic … and this was certainly true for the ex and I …
Well, it was for me, I guess I can’t really speak for him.
Anybody out there with BPD or a BPD partner want to share their thoughts on this?
I am what appears to be a fairly together person.
I function socially, I can be witty and charming on demand and I have decent qualifications. If anything, people tend to write off my nomadic and somewhat isolated lifestyle as one of my ‘quirks’.
Thing is, I am not ‘quirky’. I am out-of-control. There is always SOMETHING in my life that is in crisis and I am always avoiding it and/or outright pretending it isn’t happening. And I don’t mean small things, I mean things like work crises, housing crises, substance abuse crises .. the big stuff.
Nobody ever knows about this stuff because, when it gets bad (and it inevitably does), I cannot bear to even think about it, let alone ask for help or .. Yoda forbid .. address the problem.
Right now I am avoiding calls from work because they want me to arrange for a government check so that I can do one particular aspect of my job. I haven’t done it, I don’t have the money for it and I cannot deal with it … so I am avoiding calls, turning down my phone and just internally freaking out. I have an iMac and some belongings across the other side of the country with a friend and she has to move and has asked me to contact her with regards to my stuff .. and I just cannot bring myself to do it and the fact that I have ignored it for 2 weeks means that now she will be angry as well – and I don’t blame her – but that just means that I REALLY cannot face calling her … and I am terrified of losing my computer. I also have everything I own in storage over there but have not paid my bill in months … I wake every day in dread that everything I own has been auctioned off but again, I cannot bring myself to call or email. You get the drift …
When I try to MAKE myself address these things, my mind literally shuts down and panic sets in … I just .. can’t.
Try and explain this to a professional or even a friend and they will try to ‘guide’ me through the steps needed to make the call/take action … they don’t get that I understand what I need to do, I am not an idiot, but, I physically and psychologically CANNOT make myself do it. I just shut down. And so the situation escalates … rinse and repeat.
I don’t want to be this way.
I am not sure that I will make it through today.
I have tried to suicide 3 or 4 times. I am lousy at it obviously but I don’t think I can face another lover looking at my scars with questions in their eyes.
I don’t think I can face somebody else finding me ‘too much’
I know I cannot face the plain, simple and rather prosaic truth that my love would rather be with anybody but me …and I KNOW without a doubt that not being here will stop the anguish.
Is today the day that it all ends?
I have been wrestling with the incongruence/s of my recent relationship.
The aftermath has left me empty, alone and driven to a suicide attempt.
People love to say that suicide is stupid, or a coward’s way out … and perhaps they are right in some ways. but anybody who says these things has no idea what it feels like to want everything to just. stop.
I am trying REALLY hard to reconcile the facts that a man who said he had been looking for me for 20 years, who had a bottomless desire for me, who assured me that he would never turn away from me … could turn on a dime and simply walk away without a second thought.
The ‘truths’ he told me about why he did this were so bright and unforgiving that all I can do is retreat into the darkness of my room and try to make my emotional pain more tangible. Because I think that my outsides should represent the pain of my insides. It doesn’t seem right or true that skin bears no marks when I feel like I am dying.